Back in high school i would spend many nights at my grandma's small apartment in La Crosse. I liked staying with my grandma because she lived in town and it was easier for me to hang out with my friends who lived in town, rather than making the trek from the 10 miles out of town orchard. And her 15 channels of unlimited t.v. was absolutely glorious compared to the absence of television at home. Don't get me wrong, I liked staying at my grandma's for more wholesome reasons, too, like making her happy and visiting with her.
Well, college happened and I don't get many chances to see my grandma much at all anymore. So when the holidays rolled around this year, I thought it would be a great idea to take advantage of the situation and stay at her place while I was in my hometown.
Worst. Idea. Ever.
The night started out pretty normal. We chatted, played some cards, pet the cat, and ate some dinner together while watching Two and a Half Men--"one of the only good shows on these days, I swear." But, just like any other elderly person, my grandma got tired pretty early. Around 7 p.m. to be exact. This is where the night slowly went downhill.
I figured that staying at my grandma's and not going out would give me a good chance to catch up on sleep. Anyways, my grandma insisted on folding out the couch into its bed form. "You were the last one to sleep on these sheets, so they should be fine, right?" WRONG GRANDMA! Of course, being old, her eyes are getting bad, and she didn't notice the little pellets of mouse poo sprinkled across the whole bed. With a forced smile, I responded with a "sure, grandma," and spread the blanket on top of the bed. We said our goodnights and as soon as she was out of the room, I whipped off those sheets as fast as I could. To my horror, there was mouse poo on every single layer of that bed. I put the blanket back on the bed, got on the bed, and then covered myself up with half of the blanket like some awkward looking taco.
I stayed up for a couple of hours watching bad t.v. and avoiding mouse poo and I eventually fell asleep. Too bad that got interrupted. At 3 in the morning i was startled awake by a knock at the door. Furious that i was woken up and thinking that the knocker was some crazy old lady, i stumbled to the door bringing the blanket and all. I opened the door, squinted out, and saw, not an old woman, but a firefighter clad in full fire fighting attire. I think he was a little startled to see such a young woman wearing a harry potter shirt answering the door.
"have you been cooking any food lately, ma'am?" he said with a strange look on his face, like he knew what was coming next.
"WHY would I be cooking at 3 in the morning?"
"Someone must have burned some food or something."
"Well, I was sleeping. I wasn't cooking."
I didn't even wait for a response and i shut the door and crawled back to my uncomfortable pull out bed, carefully making sure that i didn't touch the feces.
I think now is a good time to scroll back to the top of this page and read the sentence that i started this story with. This doesn't only work for company, but also for her cat. Maybe more so for her cat. Before we gave Tabasco the cat to my grandma, she was just a svelte, sleek looking thing. We'll just say that she is far from that now. Anyways, the cat came out to where i was sleeping and decided that we needed some quality time together. Her idea of quality time was sleeping, almost literally on my face for the rest of the night. Hello jabba-the-cat.